Dedicated to Swamiji Ajay Jain ji

 

Swamiji says …

”The greatly treasured parent – child relationship ; the emotional bond that connects a child to his parent – its purity and beauty is indescribable; an emotion that cannot be put into words. Can we define the pure, divine love that a mother bears for her child ? Why does a mother make her child her topmost priority, right from the moment of its birth, is known only to her ! What makes her run to her child at its first cry; makes her shed tears at every suffering of his can only be answered by her !”

“It is rightly said – ‘Since God couldn’t be everywhere, He made mothers!’ A mother – our life giver – keeps her child safe, secure and protected in her womb, raises him with her flesh and blood and lets him know constantly that she will be there to welcome him, in the warm embrace of her loving arms, when he arrives in the world. The proud father, with dreams in his eyes, plans and saves every penny for his child’s future, intent on fulfilling every desire and need of the child – be it academic, professional or marital !”

“Parents, needless to say, love their children selflessly, dote on them and happily do everything that is within, and much beyond their means, for their child – be it a daughter or a son. They stand by their child, support his ambition and watch him with joy and pride, as he steps out into the world and tries to reach for the stars. As parents, they perform their duties selflessly, expecting nothing from him in return.”

“’Generation Next’ today is smart, intelligent and educated! Youngsters meet, mingle with each other, interact and exchange ideas at various platforms and forums, and in the process gain proximity with each other. Very often, young couples fall in love, and express their desire to tie the matrimonial knot, to their parents. Parents, as always, giving paramount importance to their child’s wish, accept his decision without any hesitation, and perform the nuptials with great happiness. Things remain cordial for some time and then the bubble of bonhomie begins to burst, as a deeply disturbing trend that I see happening across the world, in many homes, starts taking an ominous shape.”

“‘Aatma ko achcha nahi lagta hai’ – when I see the attitude and behaviour of quite a few newly married women change, in the most unexpected manner , for the worst. Barely do a few months of marital bliss pass by – and it appears that the sheen of matrimonial happiness begins to wear off. A series of complaints and complications begin, as young wives find it difficult to accept the new relations, and relationships, that form an integral part of the new responsibility that comes along with being a wife – and differences start creeping in. The major point of contention being the presence of the husband’s parents and siblings in her married life, a life in which according to her only -‘ miya, biwi ‘ – husband and wife should exist, and others should cease to matter. The husband’s side of the family should take the hint and fade away from ‘their’ lives. She is unwilling to allow ‘them’ any space in her husband’s life – that very person, who she seems to forget is also someone’s son and brother – but who now, for all practical purposes, is only hers and belongs exclusively to her.”

“Zyaadatar, duniya bhar ke gharon mein yeh ho raha hai!’ Women are more emotional than men, and their love for their parents and siblings is a lifelong affair. It is wonderful to be so, but the problem arises when a married woman tries to tilt her husband’s affections totally towards her entire family and expects him to move away from his parents and siblings – both, physically and emotionally…’ Woh dheere dheere apne husband ka jhukaav apne parivaar ki taraf kar leti hain !” At times, one gathers an impression that a husband’s family is a collection of inhuman, emotionless people, and it is only a woman’s family that has the most humane, loving and considerate individuals, and they are the only closely knit unit in the world.”

“Problems of different kinds could crop up, in particular, between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law, but rather than holding a grudge and casting aspersions on the mother-in-law, wouldn’t it be better, if the daughter-in-law had a direct talk with her and tried to solve the problem? The in-law’s too need to change and listen to the daughter-in-law’s perspective without any prejudice. Are they too interfering, dominating and extremely possessive about their son, which is not liked by the young daughter-in-law ! One can give it a try and the outcome could build and strengthen relationships rather than widening the existing gulf further ! ”

“It saddens me greatly when women devotees complain to me, in the Darbar, about their in-laws. ‘Mujhe bahut dukh hota hai jab woh apne saas – sasur ki burai mujh se karti hain! Main unhe uss samay shiksha deta hoon aur topic ko badal deta hoon!’ I endeavour to remind them of the age old values, the respect and esteem in which their in-laws should be held by them and the duties they have towards them, with the hope that the quarrels and misunderstandings between them come to an end and peace reigns in their homes once again.”

” Women, independent and with a mind of their own, also want to control and command their husbands, these days, and it is done easily, as the husbands keep quiet, in order to avoid heated arguments, which they know will get them nowhere…’Woh apne husband ko apne bass mein karna chahti hain!’ The thought of the husband doing anything for his family, helping them in any way could perturb them greatly – ‘aur woh unhe rokti hain , unke apne parivaar ke liye kuch karne se’ – but on the contrary, will expect him to go all out, to bail out and stand by their family members, in their moments of distress. ‘Unhe apne side ka hi khyaal hota hai … Yeh achchi cheez nahi hai!’ If their tantrums and mood swings don’t work, they then adopt a dictatorial attitude- ‘Taanashahi par aa jaati hain’ and taunt their husbands – ‘ You…Your mother…Your father …You are a weak person! Till when will you be a Mama’s boy ? ‘Aaj joh uska pati hai – ussi ko pehle uske mata-pita – jinka woh beta hai – ussey kitne pyaar se bada kiya hai! They tend to completely forget the love and labour that has been put in by his parents to make their son – their husbands now, what they are today.”

“It gives me great pain in saying that quite a many women today, believe in having exclusive rights on their husbands – ‘Miya, biwi … Me and my husband! That’s all.’ No unwanted baggage in the form of the husband’s parents and siblings is allowed. Do they really think even for a minute that their indifferent body language, flashing eyes and hurtful actions, cannot be understood by the boy’s parents? The parents , on the other hand, prefer to remain quiet, as they do not want to be the cause of any friction and tension between their son and daughter-in-law which could lead to an ugly divorce – and move out of their home into another house. ‘ Aur jiss se unhone apne bete ki shaadi khushi khushi karvai thi …’ – that daughter-in – law now wants to detach them – cut all strings of attachment and love that bond them with their son. Try to relate with the pain and suffering of the boy’s parents who, at times, have done no wrong, but are being needlessly subjected to the strong resentment and dislike that you bear for them.”

“Remember, behaviour of this kind will get you nowhere. Best would be to thrash out the differences, the sore points, politely, with the elders in the family. Acquaint them with your expectations as a daughter-in-law and draw their attention to the times when you felt that they had let you down. After all mistakes could have been made by your in-laws too. But blind hatred for them, just because they are your husband’s parents, and not your parents, who you love greatly, does not hold any ground. A moody, selfish, egoistic life paves the way for a day – ‘when you are in difficulty and suffering, you will not have anyone around you to give you a glass of water.’ I’m sure none of us would like to see the light of such an unfortunate day.”

Swamiji says …

“We love talking. We can talk incessantly for hours on end, and that too, quite unnecessarily. And why not – we say to ourselves. After all we have the ‘Right to Speech’ – we remind ourselves, and thus, we make the most of this right. We love to air our opinions and thoughts – at our will and fancy – not really bothered if someone is in actual want of our words. Words which can either impart wisdom or spew venom; build relationships or destroy them beyond repair; are many a times, spoken uncaringly by us, with a total disregard to the ripples they could cause in the otherwise placid life of others! ”

“Do we ever remember that words breathe, sing and have a life of their own ? We just have to listen to the song that is hidden in every word to understand this. They not only have the gift of conveying a wealth of meaning even when they are unspoken; but they also take a completely different connotation, the moment they are said to us, and by us, in a particular manner ! Words said by us in the form of a monologue or a conversation – dialogues being exchanged – could be either fruitful, healing and productive ; or totally worthless, hurtful and unhelpful. Our aim should be to choose words carefully, never hurt or speak disparagingly about anyone and avoid carrying tales from one person to another.”

“Are we aware of the responsibility that we hold towards words and the way in which they should be used by us? Do we remember while speaking that the worth of every word can be weighed in gold?
Have we ever paid attention to the fact that it is words that are powerful enough, to either build a person’s name and spread his fame, when spoken with respect, or tear one’s reputation to tatters, destroying his name forever, when spoken with malice, insinuations and wrong intent !”

“The use of words is under one’s control till the time one is busy and involved in doing something constructive and creative. Words – sensible and meaningful – take some time in being formed, phrased and presented to others around us.
But the complete opposite happens when we have a lot of time to spare! How does one fill in those vacant hours of ‘boredom’ when one is doing nothing ? The mind needs some thought to feed on, to think and reflect on; and when it finds itself devoid of thoughts, it runs helter-skelter aimlessly, and does what it does best – Firstly, it thinks and mentally discusses about others! Later, it gossips – discusses the office or neighbourhood grapevine, indulges in loose, inane character assassination of others!”

“ The mind, hurriedly and happily, formulates a long list of malicious ‘points’ about friends and acquaintances – ‘he said this and that about you’ – which ‘it’ decides is its duty to share with others. The tirade of words aimed at heaping insult, humiliation and injury on others, unceasingly flow from our mind which is very active by now.”

“The wicked, devious elements in the mind – which have been waiting patiently, for ‘goodness’ to accomplish its task, and to leave some space for them now – joyfully take over the mind. They are delirious with delight, literally rubbing their hands gleefully in anticipation of the pleasure they will derive in maligning others and talking ill about them. All they need is that tiny spark of negativity and dislike that is crackling in them, for no reason, to light up a fire of mistrust and misunderstanding between people, who had earlier trusted and cared for one another implicitly… ‘ Aur phir aise log, doosron ki ninda karne mein lag jaate hain … Na chahate hue bhi tumhe kisi ki ninda sun ni padhti hai , joh tumhe nahi karni chahiye ! ”

“We submit meekly to this abominable weakness – of being slanderous and talking ill of others – which in turn, turns out to be so strong, that it galvanizes us into action, by making us leave the perimeters of our homes even at odd hours, saunter into houses of neighbours and acquaint them with a verbatim report of what the other person has been saying about him – what he thinks of him – and enjoys the immediate reaction of anger that he is able to draw from him.”

“’Kuch logon ko aadat hoti hai ki ek ghar se doosre ghar mein jaate hain, aur doosron ki chugli karte hain… Usne yeh kaha, usne woh kaha … Unke ghar mein chingari laga dete hain … Yeh galat hai!” – and then happiky watch fireworks erupt, as a showdown takes place, between the people involved. Can’t we mind our own business and not interfere in the lives of others? ”

” The ones who suffer the most ‘ apni ninda sun kar ‘ – are those who lend their ears a bit too easily to others – go by hearsay, and believe every word that is said to them by the avid gossipers, and refuse to give the innocent person an opportunity to say anything in his defense…’Kuch log kaanon ke kacche hote hain aur doosron ki baaton mein aa jaate hain … Unhe pehchan nahi hoti hai satya ki aur unki baaton se apne ghar mein aag lagaa dete hain !’ ”

” Why do we waste our time by listening to rubbish of this kind ? We should not bother to listen to a word said by such vicious minded people, who are bent on tarnishing names of others and ruining sound, strong relationships …’Unki baatein sunke tum achche logon se rishta tod dete ho…unse alag ho jaate ho!’ We must stop them then and there by making it clear to them that we are neither willing to listen to them, nor do we believe in saying anything against anyone – and skirt the issue by changing the line of conversation immediately. ”

“The foundation of strong relationships that have withstood the test of time should not be weakened by the poisonous darts of a few useless people, who are unhappy themselves, and gain happiness by causing unwanted misery to others…’aur iss tarah ka zeher samaj mein phelate hain!’ We must refrain from committing this sin, from indulging in this vice that can cause irreparable damage to many a lives ! Rather, use words of appreciation, hope and trust to bond and bring people together.”

Swamiji says …

” ‘What ! A mistake made by me. No, no, no! It is simply not possible for me to make a mistake !’ I retort smugly; displaying a misplaced self-confidence, that the likelihood of making lapses – does not exist in a rare gem like me; but, is most definitely virulent in my foolish brethren, and I so enjoy the pleasure of seeing them goof up. ‘But I am not like them ! ‘ I reassure myself, with the right amount of conceit.”

“ It is not very difficult for most of us to visualize a scene like this in which we thought that we were better than the rest.”

“Self – opiniated that we are, we have placed ourselves on a pedestal – to which only few are worthy of being elevated to, by us – confident that we are infallible, incapable of making mistakes. Just think rationally for a second! Is it really possible for any of any of us to live a life devoid of errors ? Is it possible that we can go through life without making any blunders?”

“Mistakes and man have ages old relationship. All of us have made mistakes, and in all probability will continue making them repeatedly, if we remain blind to them. It is normal to make mistakes. Human tendency is such. But the main problem arises when we fail to acknowledge that an aberration has been made by us, and refuse to learn from it ! Our rigidity to disallow any change in us – will only lead to a futile, blind replay of our earlier foolish behaviour ! Will the fruits of such an attitude be beneficial in any way? Why should we be in a state of self-denial and not muster the courage to accept that we too make mistakes easily – without thinking twice about what we are doing or saying?”

” ‘ You have made a mistake! What you had done was not right ! You had said that ! You shouldn’t have done so.’ These words have been said to us by someone or the other, and we have been at the receiving end of these words during different phases of our life – childhood, adolescence and adulthood. But our spontaneous, instinctive reaction on being checked or corrected by others is, at times, aggressive – as we believe that we have been cornered and are unnecessarily being accused of wrong-doing. Instead of interpreting this honest criticism in a positive, gainful manner; we remain adamant and stick to our point and feebly resort to the age old and most convenient form of verbal defence – ‘I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. There is nothing wrong in what I did ! I refuse to accept it !” – and this refusal to accept our wrong-doing is our biggest weakness.”

“We are unable to simply say, ‘I’m sorry. I made a mistake.’ These apologetic words accepting our mistakes seem to get lodged in our throat as our false sense of pride holds us back, fearful that we would feel small in acknowledging the fact that we had erred.”

” Remember – ‘To err is human’ and one who accepts his mistake and realises that he has erred – has done or said something, knowingly or unknowingly, that has hurt someone – turns it to his advantage smartly, as he learns a lesson for life from it, and is filled with determination not to repeat it. A person with intent like this will definitely progress in life, as he is able to overcome his weakness, his handicap. ‘Insaan jab apni galti ko mahsoos karta hai, aur galti ko maanta hai, tabhi woh aage badh sakta hai! ‘One’s ego should never come in the way of acknowledging- ‘Yes, I made a mistake.’

“We should in fact be grateful to those who draw our attention to our drawbacks and try to help us turn into better versions of ourselves. A change in our perception and acceptance of the fact that we are imperfect and fallible can work wonders in making us see our mistakes as life lessons. A genuine attempt should be made by us to spend some time in isolation, introspecting about ourselves – our strengths and weaknesses. Self-analysis is always helpful as, irrespective of how hard we try, we cannot turn our eyes away from what is written clearly on the wall – to be seen by all, and by us. Yes, we had made a mistake and it is normal for all of us to falter, fumble and fall , and now is the time to stop, to halt, to check and prevent ourselves from repeating our mistakes, mindlessly.”

” We should not accept the hold that this weak habit of making mistakes has over us and acquiesce to its mastery over us. It needs to be uprooted from our system at the earliest. We need to get into correction mode immediately, and recognize and accept the ugly flaws and imperfections that were a very comfortable part of our personality till very recently. An earnest endeavour must be made by us to relate and personally identify with the consequences of the countless mistakes that have been made by us. Were people hurt in the process ? Did others have to suffer on our account ? Just try to experience fractionally – the varied reactions, responses and emotions of hurt, pain, anguish and hopelessness that our mistakes could have caused others ! What is the point in feeling like a worm, juvenile and selfish unless we firmly resolve to change ourselves, by not submitting to those unguarded moments when we end up doing as we desire, uncaring about the consequences and the impression that we form of ourselves on others. One can understand that it is not easy to learn from one’s mistakes , but believe me, your mistakes can be your greatest teachers too ! “

Swamiji says …

“How we love to hear people around us agree with what we say and do! It appears that our ears our trained to hear the word ‘Yes’ in particular. ‘Words’ that agree with, accept and approve of what we say and do. We experience bliss when others laud our intelligence in hushed voices; praise us for our ingenuity; heap words of appreciation on our brilliant brainchild product; agree with our views and approve of our proposals and perceptions – even though they could silently be doubting or questioning a few things being said or done by us. They dare not dispute us in any way – more out of fear – than respect or love.”

“Our listening agents – our ears – have a field day on hearing these gushing voices and ‘yeses’; bask in the glory of our recognition – hugging with delight every compliment that is audible to them – straining to ensure that every praiseworthy word is absorbed by them and it is only after that do they settle down complacently, smirking mockingly at the other sense organs, as though teasing them – ‘Oh! How wonderful to hear what I just heard! You missed on all the fun !“

“How pleasing the words – ‘Yes, yes!’ ‘What you are saying is absolutely right!’ ‘I agree with you!’ ‘Yes that’s the right way!’ ‘That is perfect!’ – sound to our ears and to us and we conveniently forget for a moment that mostly – ‘Insaan sabki haan mein haan milata rehta hai!’ We must learn to say, ‘No. I don’t agree with what you are saying or doing !’ Imagine the state of your ears now ! They would cringe in shock on hearing words that are disliked the most by them… No!”

“In all honesty – are we always in agreement with what is said by others? Are we always in concurrence with their thoughts? Certainly not. ‘Agar koi baat theek nahi lag rahi hai, toh uss insaan ko toko, usko roko …’
“There are innumerable times when we don’t agree with the other person’s point of view. It could be anyone. It could be our parents, siblings, husband, wife, children, friends, or colleagues. We should, at times, go beyond, and above, the relationship that we share with the other person; let go the emotional bond of love and sympathy that connects us with them, and make them see things in the correct perspective by checking them and telling them where they have erred and how they could overcome this particular weakness at the earliest.”

“Blind love can never be of any good for anyone. On the other hand, it can only harm the other person. It becomes our sacrosanct duty to stop anyone we know, love and care for – to make them aware of the precarious situation in which they could find themselves if they did not mend their ways immediately…’Hummey unke hitt ke liye, unhe rokna chahiye…’ Mothers and fathers blinded by love for their child are very often unable to muster the courage needed to say…’No! What you are doing and saying is wrong!’ The child gets used to having his own way, and unless he is checked and controlled at the right time, by his parents, the pampered child might fail to see the difference between right and wrong and shortly things could get out of control.”

“’Agar woh galti kar raha hai – kuch galat keh raha hai, toh ussey ussi samay par toko, nahi toh woh galti par galti karte jaega. Bahut baar, ma aur pita apne bachchon ko rokte nahin hain. Aise toh unki galat aadat badhti jaegi!’ – Similarly, children too should be able to point out – respectfully and patiently – the shortcomings and weakness that they detect in their parents, so that they too realize that they have to become less rigid and a change in their mindset is needed with changing times.”

“We must dare to disagree with others if their views, personal or professional, are causing them harm and are encouraging them in forming habits which are unhealthy and undesirable; or are detrimental to society. It is essential to disagree, if it benefits and helps them in improving their wayward lifestyle, brings flexibility in their otherwise rigid way of thinking, and changes them into tolerant individuals who are willing to listen to what others,too, have to say to them.”

“Why do we then nod our heads in agreement and submission – subduing the voice within us – which tries to draw our attention to that which is not right in the other person – the flawed words used by him and his unethical behavior and actions ? ‘Woh insaan apni agyaanta mein kuch bhi kehta jaata hai aur karta jaata hai , jab tak ussey koi tokega ya rokega nahi!’ We refrain from saying anything to him, as our love or respect for him, which has become our weakness, prevents us from doing so and we continue to accept him the way he is, fearful that we may hurt him otherwise.The ancient scriptures, too, have clearly stated the relevance of having a strong, independent mind – a mind that is fearless and does not get unduly worried at stating expressly, that he begged to differ from others, as what was being said or done, by the other person, was wrong and unacceptable to him, and the other person had to be made aware of his follies and absurd behaviour.”

“What should be done if a youngster in today’s grim scenario insists on partying and parlaying, and tries to convince his friend that they should go out! What should be the response of his friend? Should he meekly follow this irresponsible person’s behaviour? Or should he try his level best to stop him from stepping out unnecessarily and putting his, as well as the lives of others, at peril. He could remind his friend – ‘Wouldn’t praying be better than partying? – and transform him for ever.”