Dedicated to Swamiji Ajay Jain ji

” ऐसा कहा और माना जाता है कि — “शादियाँ स्वर्ग में बनती हैं…” It is said and believed that – ” Marriages are made in heaven…” and it is in the presence of God and with His blessings that -“फेरे लिए जाते हैं…”- vows are exchanged in which couples, irrespective of their age, with faces lit up with adoration, express their undying love for one another ; promise to support each other through thick and thin ; to face and overcome the ups and downs of life together ; to care and share. Every word is said with deep love and profound meaning at the time of the wedding. And, everything – the picture perfect celebrations, the excitement, joy and cheer – all clearly point towards everlasting happiness for the couple. But, then, why is it today – that one hears more often than he would like to hear, and , is completely taken aback on hearing that the couple that was very much in love till just yesterday – has separated and is on the threshold of a divorce?

Where does the beauty of the love that had shone from their faces disappear to be replaced by the ugliness of dislike and hatred for one another ? The promises made to ‘care’ and ‘share’ are forgotten and instead an attitude of – ‘ I couldn’t care less’ – takes over the once much in love couple, who now are literally on a warpath and refuse to look at each other’s face. Intervention from concerned parents and elders is not even sought, at times, and not paid heed to, if, given – as they appear to be absolutely sure of the ‘final’ step that they have decided to take. It is as though they have made up their mind that there is no turning back from the decision that has been taken by them. The worst part is to hear a couple say that living together had been like living in ‘hell’. Could anything be worse than to hearing this? And, the most important question that arises then is – ” Who is to be blamed for the situation to have taken such a drastic turn – when
affection is easily replaced with coldness and calculated planning?”

Is it possible that the couple had started taking each other for granted and forgotten that the marital bond between them could either be strengthened or weakened by their actions? Constant effort and attention ; warmth and care is needed for a relationship to grow further and become stronger. Is it possible that the superficial aspects of life precede the subtle ’emotional’ undercurrents – which tend to fade with time – as ‘attractive’ materialism beckons one of them to move on to new relationships ? Is it possible that ‘this’ attitude has pervaded into the way couples view their relationship? Comparison with other couples who are doing doing much better than them – and frustration at not being able to do so themselves – is a major cause of marital discord – which makes them look hither and thither. Being critical all the time of one’s spouse ; humiliating him in front of others will only add insult to injury. Won’t it ? One could complain – ” How insignificant he looks ! He talks in such an unimpressive way and is not well versed on conducting himself socially!”- leading to friction between them. ” Does he work in a reputed organisation ? What are his earnings?” – are questions – the answers to which, if, found to be unimpressive, can overrule completely, the positives that one could otherwise see in the logical manner in which he thinks and the perfect gentleman that he could be? So foolish can young couples be at times !

Mistakes are made by all. An attempt should be made by a spouse to give a second chance to the one who has erred. Talk things over. Why has the younger lot become so unforgiving ? Doesn’t the sacred nature of a wedding hold any meaning for them? Or have they become selfish to such an extent that their individual happiness alone means everything to them – even if it comes to separating the children from one parent ? Do they try to bond over beliefs and similar viewpoints – instead of harping on their ‘failed’ expectations from one another ? Why don’t they try to talk things over with a calm mind – instead of arguing in a heated manner? Do the trials and tribulations of everyday life , the demanding routine – make them blind to the struggles of the one who is closest to them? Do they take for granted the presence of the other in their life without lauding his contributions in their life ? They must remember to be mindful in their relationships and learn to acknowledge that neither of them is perfect and that they will err and do so repeatedly. They must be patient with each other when one struggles and celebrate when one succeeds. Life can be wonderful when we accept and overlook the differences that we see in our loved ones – as love conquers all and hatred begets hatred.

Swami ji said:

“The difficulties of life are too much for me to handle.” “I am unable to meet the never-ending demands of life.” “Life is challenging.” “Why is life so stressful? It places a lot of pressure on me…” These are expressions that have become rather common, and, nearly everyone seems to utter them nowadays —often with a tone of finality and certainty in their voice, as though discouraging any objection or contradiction from those – who are willing to listen to their woeful tale. Instead, they seem to expect others to nod in agreement with their ‘philosophical’, ‘stress causing’ take on life. Does it not appear as though it has become fashionable to express our so-called expert views on life as being ‘stressful’?

“परंतु हम अगर आराम से, शांति से सोचें—क्या जीवन सचमुच में इतना मुश्किल है—तो शायद बहुत मंथन के बाद हम इस निर्णय पर पहुँच सकते हैं…”
We might, after some introspection and quiet deliberation, arrive at the conclusion that—”जीवन वास्तव में इतना मुश्किल नहीं है जितना हमने, हमारी सोच ने उसे चुनौतीपूर्ण, हमें तनाव देने का कारण बना लिया है…”

But the interesting question that arises then is: ” How many of us are willing to hold ourselves, our mindset, and our negative way of thinking – responsible for labelling life as ‘stressful’?”

Life is always the ‘culprit’ in the blame game that is played by us – while we cast ourselves as innocent ‘victims’— always at the mercy of the vagaries of life. Not for a moment do we pause to ponder—”हम जीवन में सब कुछ हासिल करने के लिए इतनी जल्दी में क्यों रहते हैं?”

Do we not add to our stress levels by being unreasonable in many life situations? Take, for instance, our grandiose dreams. Do we ask ourselves whether we are capable of fulfilling all of them? Of realising them one after another? And if we are unable to, we fall into depression. It is good to dream—as long as our dreams are realistic. But what is the use of dreams—”जो हमारा सुख, चैन और मन की शांति ले लेते हैं aur Ishwar se dur le jaate hain…”

Then again, the goals that we set for ourselves— do we weigh them, and, ourselves, on a fair scale to determine whether we are competent enough to achieve them or not ? ” Aur जब हम उन्हें पूरा होता हुआ नहीं देखते हैं, तो हम दुखी और चिढ़-चिढ़े हो जाते हैं…”

At times , some of us could be living a lifestyle that could be beyond our means — but even then do we pause to reflect whether we can truly afford such luxury, or, are we doing so merely to project a ‘wealthy’ image to others? The question – “How and by when can we make more money?” becomes the dominant thought in our minds, thereby causing great tension and agitation to us.

Matters worsen when we begin to compare ourselves with others. The moment we see others doing better than us – our smile vanishes, taking with it our happiness.

Regardless of age, impatience is a trait that seems to persist. We become angry and disturbed when issues related to us – take longer than expected to take a final shape. Somehow, we fail to understand that impatience can never accelerate the realisation of our desires. We wish that everything would happen at the snap of our fingers—quick and fast. And, when it doesn’t happen that way – a needless journey of annoyance and irritation begins – when, otherwise, the same could have been peaceful, joyful days.

The outcome of every situation and moment in life depends on our response—our reaction—and, in a way, our ‘answer’ to it. We must accept and face the difficulties that come our way with patience; only then will things become easier and better for us.

A spiritual seeker must free the mind of frivolous thoughts and theories about how his life is going. There is no point in over-speculating as to why some days seem to demand more of us and others less. We are too small to comprehend the workings of God. Whether the so-called ‘good’ days are truly beneficial for us, or , whether the ‘bad’ days truly harm or exhaust us— we are rarely able to judge in the moment. Only much later in life, through reflection, might we begin to understand.

Thus, the spiritual seeker must remain focussed at all times, training himself to stay calm and not react belligerentlly in any situation. The only thing that he must ensure is that his spiritual beliefs and practices are reflected consistently in his conduct. He must realise that the mind has a tendency to perceive ‘सुख’ as fleeting and ‘दुख’ as prolonged.

A minor setback can be brooded over and exaggerated by the mind for hours, while moments of happiness may vanish quickly from memory in the face of looming uncertainty.

It is only when one learns to remain steady and unaffected by ‘sukh’ and ‘dukh’, treating them as equal and transient, that one truly begins to walk the path of enlightenment.

Swami ji said…

Our relationships are formed from the moment we are conceived in our mother’s womb, and , every family member immediately begins developing a bond with the yet-to-be-born infant. Strange as it may seem – strong ties of love and affection are formed between us and a tiny, evolving individual – who is completely unknown to us— not seen, not touched, or held by us as yet — but a fascinating pull makes us already feel attached to the unborn baby. Every family member begins planning and preparing with great excitement, waiting impatiently for the little one to make his entry into the world.

“वो समय जब सारे परिवार के सदस्य शिशु के जन्म की तैयारी में लगे रहते हैं, तब ऐसा लगता है कि सब ‘साधना’ कर रहे हैं, और शिशु के जन्म के बाद भी ऐसा प्रतीत होता है जैसे उसके माता-पिता का ख़ासकर पूरा ध्यान अपने शिशु पर ही है…वह अपनी ‘साधना’ में लगे हुए हैं…” There is a tenderness, softness and concern in the way the baby is handled by us, as we know that there could be none more helpless than a newly born infant or a toddler. The little child receives everything possible from everyone —unconditional love, undivided attention, and unlimited care— as the elders go about doing
whatever they can do for the little one – without laying down any conditions or without expecting anything from the little one. It is as though all of us know what the baby needs – and we provide everything without a grimace.

But, then, why is there is such a marked difference in our behaviour and attitude – when we meet and interact with those – who we are not particularly fond of ? Where does that tenderness and selflessness vanish ? We find ourselves becoming very choosy, moody, and selective in maintaining relationships with various people, whether they are family or friends. We read too much into the mannerisms and attitude shown by others towards us—be it a slightly rough inflection in one’s voice, a peculiar or indifferent look in their eyes, or a cold greeting.These clearly visible and questionable mannerisms are taken to heart by us and looked upon as a personal insult. Without giving the other person a second chance, we are ready to turn away from that relationship forever. This shows how touchy we have become. A relationship that was rock-solid till yesterday breaks into fragments – and surprisingly
it makes no difference to us. Furthermore, instead of quelling the needless doubts within us, we add fuel to fire, by developing an antagonistic attitude towards them. Can such behaviour ever succeed in ironing out the differences between us and make us work on improving our relationship with others ?

Why are we unable to understand and accept the simple fact that differences are bound to exist between each of us? It is not possible for us to be similar – let alone identical. Why do we create such expectations within ourselves and then feel let down? Why do we let the other person’s aggressive behaviour provoke a hurt or aggrieved reaction in us?

What happens to all the love, patience, and joy that had overflowed from us when we had taken care of a baby— when we now find ourselves filled with impatience, displeasure, and even anger – while trying to take care of our elderly, ageing parents ? Is it because they are no longer a source of joy to us? Or because they are incapable of doing anything for us anymore ? Why do we feel as though they are a burden on us ? The silent treatment meted out to them by us is more effective than our ‘loudest’ words – conveying to them clearly – how difficult it is for us to take care of them day and night. Why is there such a visible difference in the way we rush to attend to a crying child – and the blatant disrespect shown by some of us – towards our elders – when we pay a deaf ear to their feeble cries for some kind of assistance. “हमारे व्यवहार में इतना फ़र्क़ क्यों होता है?”

The real measure of love is not in how we treat those who bring us happiness, but, rather in how we serve those who need our compassion the most. We must have patience and understanding in all our relationships. While we mustn’t accept ill-treatment or disrespect, we must always be particularly mindful of ensuring that we remain the most respectful, even in the most trying circumstances. Our ability to forgive, to extend warmth despite distance, and to speak kindly even when we feel misunderstood – transforms ordinary relationships into something more special. Every time we choose grace over ego, patience over irritation, or , sincerity over sarcasm, we make a relationship a little stronger. Not everyone we know can be affectionate towards us, but, we must not hold back from giving joy and showering praise whenever we can. That is how we can nurture any and all relationships—be it family or friends—with a sense of genuineness and make them sanctuaries of comfort and happiness for ourselves and others.

Swami ji said…

From time immemorial, man has always been motivated by a wish to gain name and fame and be recognised as a celebrity. His desire to achieve success is fuelled by the belief that success alone will garner him praise and repute. This desire and longing to be ‘known’ is something we can all relate with. We all want a pat on the back. We all want to be acknowledged for that we have done and achieved. And, in a way, we can’t really say that there is something majorly wrong in being this way. It is when we see sportsmen being rewarded, visionaries being interviewed and quoted in the news, that we too are inspired to work hard and achieve such success.

But , like it is said – Nothing in excess is good – similarly, our desire to be successful and known – should also be within limits. We must realise that we do not exist solely for the sake of impressing others and neither should we make it our sole aim ; as that is not the purpose of life. The purpose of our life cannot be only to be adulated, known and recognised by the world. Being admired by others, being hero-worshipped by others – is not the end all of life. Of course , one feels good on being admired by others. But, unfortunately, In today’s world, this is what we are increasingly seeing. Be it just ‘five minutes of fame’ – that is what everyone is chasing. To be known – is what many are desirous of. Anything and everything is being done from the point of view of how ‘others’ will perceive us ? Every little thing is ‘shared’ with the world for it to admire.

But do we ever question ourselves, is this truly how we want to live ? Is it alright to commit to actions with such a mindset?
Surely, it is not. For vanity makes us chase only material accomplishments and temporary pleasures. Money, houses, cars, positions – all these are used to catch the world’s attention. But, we are well aware, this will only bring us momentary joy. What then? Do we gain ‘permanent’ happiness from any of these?

The real ‘we’ – the ‘soul’ – alone lasts forever. But , what do we do to feel its presence within us ? Our name will be forgotten ; our belongings will turn to debris someday ; the body to ash. All these efforts to please the world will amount to naught. If not tomorrow – then on some other day for sure.

Clearly, it is not the world that needs to be impressed, but, rather it is God whose admiration we must try to capture. The ‘soul’ needs bliss – permanent bliss – that only He can give and not the world. Our actions thus, must also be directed at pleasing Him. And unlike the world, which never truly tells us nor, knows itself – what makes it happy – He is always telling us, through our conscience, through little signs – that true happiness is within us and what we must do to win His Grace.

The spiritual seeker, in today’s world, must also always be careful about what motivates him ; what inspires him ; what does he want to ‘be’ in this lifetime. The world will praise him for being a ‘good’ man. They will even seek his advice, which he might give. They will praise him for his practices and sacrifices. But the spiritual seeker must beware at all times. For his spiritual practice is not for the world to admire, but, to gain God’s favour. The same people who praise him today, will abandon him tomorrow – that is how the world works. In those moments, if , He is not truly motivated to seek God – his ‘sadhna’ will be of no use – as his mind will chase the world and its fickle nature will drag him away from the path to God.

Don’t just long for material possessions and fruition of personal ambitions – long to know Him , to sense Him ; to see Him – and understand – that He is happiest to see our eyes filled with love for all ; our head bowed in respect and gratefulness to Him ; our hands that should always be ready to help others ; our feet that are willing to walk on the Right Path and our mind that refuses to nurture falsehood.

Swami ji said…

” हम दूसरों को कुछ भी देने में इतना घबराते क्यों हैं ? चाहे वह कोई वस्तु हो, प्रेम हो, या मान-सम्मान…” And, we , wouldn’t be too surprised to realise that we were, apparently, born with this trait. In fact, it might not be very difficult for us to recall the copious tears that would flow from our eyes – on seeing another baby take our most coveted toy, or, to be honest, anything at all from us. The fear of losing what belonged to ‘me’ … ‘ यह मेरा है …’ and to see it being taken away by someone else — even if it was merely for a minute or two — was enough to make us weep our heart out. We would be at peace only after getting it back from the ‘offender’ and finally hold it in our hands once again. That is how difficult we have always found it to ‘give’ or ‘share’ with others – anything – that belonged to us. We could blame it on the possessive streak that all of us have, or , it could be because we are small-hearted. The thought of ‘giving’ makes us feel that, “अगर मैंने उसे अपनी कोई चीज़ दे दी, तो मेरा क्या होगा…” and imaginary images of facing a shortage and scarcity of those very things make us behave in a stingy manner. But, on the other hand, we are always ready to ‘take’ from others and, at times, might show no inhibitions in demanding — respect, acceptance, assistance, and love from them.

” किसी को कुछ भी देने के समय हमारे दिल में इतनी उथल-पुथल क्यों होती है?” Why is it that we are filled with misgivings, doubts and our mind swings like a pendulum – oscillating between thoughts — “If I give him the monetary loan that he is asking for, how can I be sure that he’ll return it to me?” “Why should I show any affection or love for him when he has always treated me with indifference?” “Why should I treat him respectfully when all that I’ve received from him is disdain and contempt?” All these doubt-filled, mischief creating thoughts – cloud our mind and fill us with selfishness, and we begin to think of our personal growth and interest, which makes us say, “Why should ‘I’?” “Should I ‘give’ or not?” And thinking on such narrow lines — “हम अपनी छोटी सोच के बाहर आ ही नहीं पाते हैं…”

In that moment of dilemma, what seems to slip from our mind completely is that rather than being thankful to God – for making us reach a position – that makes it possible for us to help someone, support someone ; when we are able to ‘give’ someone, something that is needed by them, in which ever form – we still have the gall to mull over – “मैं कुछ अच्छा करूँ या न करूँ ? उस की मदद करूँ या नहीं ? उनका सम्मान करूँ या नहीं ?”

What we seem to forget completely is that God, on seeing us do ‘ नेक कर्म’, endorses our act and gives us manifold in abundance — ” हमारी झोली उसी चीज़ से भर देते हैं…” – with that very thing that we give to others. If we decide that we want to spread joy and make others happy – wherever we go – we will always find our lives filled with happiness and laughter. What will we gain by clinging on to happiness all by ourselves – without sharing it with others ? Can happiness be enjoyed that way ? Wish good for everyone and see how good things keep happening for us. The more we give, the more we get. But that should not make us ‘give’ with vested interest. We shouldn’t be telling ourselves, “Let me ‘show’ that person some respect. It will be of some use to me later.” Similarly, love begets love. Love all, irrespective of whether you stand to gain something from them or not. People will love you unconditionallyand can there be a better reward from God than that.

Is a ‘saccha sant’ frugal or miserly while imparting ‘gyaan’ to His devotees? He ‘gives’ to each devotee of His – what he is meant to receive in this lifetime – without expecting anything from him. But , even then, doesn’t the ‘guru’ get unflinching loyalty, pure love, and respect from His devotees?

The spiritual seeker must learn to ‘give’. This is much easier said than done – for our fear of ‘loss’ holds us back. But this can be overcome with empathy. When in doubt, think about why someone might benefit from being given your materials or even your effort and time. Put yourself in their shoes, and, try to understand how your giving someone something – might ease their fears or troubles. One must make this a practice, and surely enough, you will be moved to ‘give’. You will yearn to ‘give’ to those who are ‘in need’.

We must realize that to be able to ‘give’ in itself is an opportunity given to us by God – to achieve a sense of fulfillment. ‘Giving’ is God’s work. Those who ‘give’ to ‘show’ others and want to be seen as magnanimous – do not realize that the true gift they have received – is being able to participate in God’s work. When one ‘gives’, one must never expect anything in return, neither from the recipient nor from God. The fact that they have performed a near divine action, which is excellent ‘karma’, is in itself a reward.